Well, it's been a month! I'm sorry; I haven't felt up to writing much of anything substantial.
...If I'm honest, I still don't. Oh, well. I keep having attacks of really acute self-loathing at odd times and for odd reasons; this is a normal state for me, though. I also have, for some reason, recently happened to read several opinion articles to the tune that a "culture of self-esteem" has been wrecking the youth (or at least the more materially privileged, Caucasian youth) of my generation, turning us all into shallow narcissists. A running theme in these articles is this idea that feeling crappy about oneself can actually be a good and useful thing, and isn't necessarily a sign of pathology. While I think that's kind of true-- I definitely think that being able to understand one's own weaknesses and character flaws is more valuable than being able to feel 100% good about oneself in all ways all the time, and also that the state of "being human and having a conscience" invariably leads to occasional
moments of fury, disgust, and disappointment at one's own behavior--, and definitely worth bringing up in certain discussions, I'm not sure that my weird fits are anything except stupid and counterproductive. I also feel as though I get off kind of easily; I seem to know a lot of people who hate themselves even more and even more constantly than I do. It might even be the
defining malady among people I know, at least people I know who are around my age (say, 19-26-year-olds). Why is that?
I wish I were better at understanding the world.
I also, as always, wish that I were legitimately interested in things that weren't totally, laughably frivolous or childish or twee or...well, I've been posting my clothes
on tumblr this month, so clearly it isn't all that fervent of a wish. Sometimes I think I should completely, finally let go of apologizing for reasonably innocuous tastes and quirks on the grounds that I think somebody somewhere might find them irritating and just like the stuff I like. I know plenty
of excellent people who manage to have admirable, grown-up personalities and traits in spite of...also being weird or goofy or uninterested in being really bombastic about-- like, okay
, basically I have this truly incredibly,
perhaps even abnormally,
strong desire to BE A GOOD, FAIR, RESPONSIBLE, NICE PERSON
, but I have no productive anger or ACTIVIST OPINIONS
seething from my heart and mouth and keyboard (I guess I do
have some strong opinions w/r/t ethics, etc., but they're at about the same level of heart-shaped cheesiness and philosophical un-sophistication as, like, Sailor Moon
), and I know admirable human beings who are the former and do not possess the latter, so why is this a problem for me? I'm having thoughts here, but I've no idea how to write them out in an eloquent way. As usual!
Anyway, Valentine's Day is coming up! Happy Valentine's Day! I know a lot of people hate it, and I'm not a huge fan, but I think it helps to do things for the people you care about whether you're "in a relationship" or not. Make food, decorate with dying plants, dress up as pink robots and dance The Robot in public (like I saw two college students do one year, back when I was in high school), whatever. I guess my big Valentine's Day epiphany, which I know others have had before me, was that it didn't have to be all about either going out with/buying fluffy glittery shit for your Significant Other or moping around fishing squashed roses out of trash cans and wishing
you had a Significant Other. It could be a more general celebration of the importance of love and human connection in all its forms. It could be an excuse to make brownies.